Friday, November 28, 2008

How It All Begins :-)

As I was leaving the supermarket today a young couple walked in. The fellow started walking toward what he wanted to buy but some plants near the entrance caught the woman's eye. She walked up to one, turned around and said to him, "Would you be adverse to having one of these at your place?"

Without really even looking at it, he responded, "Oh sure, I wouldn't mind."

You Pussy! You Coward!! You Woosey-Boy!!!

Okay, those weren't precisely my thoughts but I did smile and felt like saying to him, "Run while you can amigo, run while you can!" :-)

That's how relationships always begin, don't they? The woman "suggests" that the fellow get a particular plant. Then a few weeks later the bed sheet doubling as a tablecloth has to be replaced - and never with a good explanation IMHO - with something more elegant and dainty and colour-coordinated. Beginning about a month after they met he'll find himself accompanying her into more & more men's clothing stores, with new "suggestions" being thrown at him on each visit. He better be diligently recording every single word & emphasis of these "suggestions" into his Blackberry. I guarantee you that she won't forget a single one! And lo and behold, at a BBQ two months later, all of her girlfriends will somehow remember every one of them as well ... even though they were never there when they were made!

Eventually, and sadly 9 times out of 10, the relationship will end within a few months. The poor fellow will be caught off guard with a question about an attractive woman they both saw earlier in the day or not make mention of her new pair of shoes, or neglect to compliment her on the styling genius of color matching her gloves with her socks, or take 1.3 seconds too long to answer this question from her: "When you think of me, what animal comes to mind?" (And never answer with the animal that was so clearly obvious to her!)

However it happens, the poor slob will not know what he did wrong. Her demeanor will forever change from then on and no matter what he tries to do to make her happy, nothing will ever please her again like it seemed to before.

Then one day soon after he'll hear the 4 words most frightening to every male on this planet: "We Need To Talk". In a long tirade of emotions, she will explain that she is bitterly unhappy and things are just not working out as she had hoped. Some women will go right for the jugular and list more offenses that he has committed than were heard at the Nuremberg Trials. Others, even though they have such a list in their head, will choose the easier route and just say, "It isn't you, it's me. I need time alone. You're a great guy and one day some lucky woman will be grateful to find you."

And in the end, the devastated fellow will be left with a damn ugly plant that he never wanted in the first place!!!
Disclaimer: This entire rant about relationships was entirely made up and solely intended to put a smile on the face of all reading it after a terrible week. In no way, shape, or form does it reflect the personal opinions or experiences of the author, who can't believe that any women would actually do/say/think such things. :-))

Update: You must now read this post. Hilarious and touché, touché, touché Ms. K!


RedShoesBigTiara said...

You spelled Nuremberg wrong. But the fact you linked it to a tirade about women is insanely funny. More to the point, when was being capitalistic and opportunistic wrong? It's okay for government but not for the female race?

I know what you think of us, but I still adore you.

By the way, how are you with orchid plants?

RedShoesBigTiara said...

p.s.: you will have to visit MY blog to read my response ;p

Pelalusa said...

'Nuremberg' now corrected - thanks!

nachtwache said...

I was happy to read you'd made it all up for some fun because I started to wonder if nice guys go for the bad gals :)
Your friend had a great comeback from the other perspective.

Pelalusa said...

There might be some underlying truth to what we both wrote ... but I assure you that I had a big smile on my face the entire time I was writing it! And I think she did too.