Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Robert's Rules For Finding Love Online

I recently saw Will Smith's film, Hitch. It occurred to me that my "extensive" experience with online dating in my thirties makes me well suited for providing others with good advice for pursuing the 'Personals' route nowadays. So last night I decided to post the following on the world's bulletin board, Craigslist. The response was generally extremely positive. In fact, several people suggested I expand this into a book! Here's what I wrote...

Having done the Personals thing quite a bit in years past, I've come up with a set of "rules" that are beneficial for both men and women. These rules are for people that are looking for a long term relationship, not a quick lay. I always pass them on to my single friends who are thinking about meeting someone through a Personal ad.

I've found that if they are strictly followed then it minimizes the chance of either person getting hurt. Here they are:


  • Do not move forward unless the other person supplies a recent photo after the first few e-mails.
  • Make sure the first telephone call is no more than 1 week after first contact via e-mail.
  • During the phone call(s) make sure you talk about at least one serious topic. For you ain't going to find true sympatico if you're only talking about fluff.
  • Ensure that the first meeting in person is no more than 1 week after that.
  • The first date should be no more than coffee or coffee and a short walk.
  • Do not make any plans there & then about a 2nd date. Just say, "It was nice/great/wonderful to meet you." Then walk away and decide if you want to pursue something further. If the other person asks you for a second date there & then, tell them to call you if you're at all interested or to write you if you're really not.
  • Don't tell someone you want to be just friends if you're not at all interested in them.
  • If you do like the person, then wait a day before calling. Though there's no harm in sending a SHORT e-mail immediately afterwards. And call me a sexist, but even in this new millenium I still think it's the guy's responsibility to call the woman if he wants to pursue things further.

These rules came about as a result of much disappointment and wasted time & energy. I don't know about you, but I've always known within the first 10 minutes whether I could envision a relationship evolving with the other person. And though, for me, the mutual physical attraction has to be there, there's so much more to moving forward than just that. I clearly remember going on two dates - one in Toronto and one in Victoria - with aesthetically beautiful women. But once they started talking, it was immediately apparent how ugly they were inside.

I know several couples who have met online and truly did meet their soulmate. If you are considering this route then hopefully these "rules" will help you. Yes, there are some exceptions but it mostly comes down to knowing yourself well enough to understand what YOU really want. In the final analysis the rules are effective for this reason: Though politeness and tactfulness will never go out of style, leading someone on with false hopes & promises is just cruel in the long term.

May life & love rise up to meet you!

Robert
Think of me as the Canadian 'Hitch', albeit for both men & women!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't why the craiglist delisted this. Sounds like some good common sense from a bloke whose been around and is trying to share his view on matters of the heart. Appreciate your comments and can relate to much of what you said.

cheers.
joe average - straight shooter.

dgnyhk said...

Good list, I'd actually shorten the timelines. A huge part of what makes people interested in one another is sheer chemistry and you can't get chemistry over the 'net.
That said, chemistry only goes so far and the advantage of meeting someone online is that you can see if you're an intellectual match before chemistry distorts all mental abilities!
I'm not sure about the limits on calls etc. When you meet someone and really hit it off, the impulse is to be in contact as soon as you walk away. Acting on the impulse tells the other person a lot about your interest level and "playing it cool" is just another game.

PelaLusa said...

But 'dgnyhk',

Not everyone is intense and passionate as you. And statistically, there will many more first dates than there ever will be second dates. The main purpose of "the rules" is to minimize the disappointment and heartache. Always exceptions, of course.

Anonymous said...

Like the other posters said, nice list.

I'd add
* Think of these sites purely as a way to meet people not as a matchmaker. ie. try not to take it too seriously until at least the 2nd date (if that happens)
* Try to meet as many people as possible
* If it starts working, discuss delisting yourselves openly. This is an important step I wish I'd done more than once.
* Find some friends who are doing the same thing to discuss stuff and support you.

Anonymous said...

I came across this post from a woman - in Romantic Advice - CL. I thought it was purt funny. CL deleted it when I posted it in Platonic.

cheers
maui Beach boy.


DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...................................49

Adventurous........................Slept with everyone

Athletic...............................No tits

Average looking...................Ugly

Beautiful............................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile.................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure..............On medication

Feminist.............................Fat

Free spirit...........................Junkie

Friendship first..................Former slut

Fun...................................Annoying

New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned....................No BJs

Open-minded......................Desperate

Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate........................Sloppy drunk

Professional......................Bitch

Voluptuous.......................Very Fat

Large frame......................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate..................Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think

about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay