Wise Words For Pushovers

NICE PERSON SYNDROME

Nice People are carefully trained to be, at all costs, "good boys" and "good girls." They are steeped, too soon and strongly, in the value of unselfishness, cooperation and the importance of pleasing others. Consequently, they grow up feeling that it is natural to defer to the wishes of others, putting their own desires in second place (or ignoring them altogether). I use the word Nice (capital N) to describe adults who still act like good boys and girls. Such people are often highly intuitive, but they use their sensitivity mostly for the purpose of learning what is expected of them. They have a profound need to be liked and will violate, if necessary, their own integrity for even the possibility of love and affection. They usually are accepted and well-liked, but they are not satisfied, because they know they have withheld something of their true identity. As a result, Nice People often live in fear that nobody will ever really love them -- including their weaknesses and blemishes. They feel they must be perfect. Yet they are constantly and painfully aware that they are not perfect. A good number appear to have bodily symptoms of chronic inner conflict (e.g., anal tension).

Nice People operate on the basis of one central conviction: The only way to get what I need is to do what other people want. They are usually very good at getting what they want (without asking for it) but there is always something missing. Spontaneity is difficult since each interpersonal encounter is, in a sense, a performance. Remaining a Nice Person requires constant vigilance, since all "bad" qualities (e.g., anger, selfishness, competitiveness) must either be suppressed or rechanneled in such as way that they at least appear nice....

Nice people have trouble making explicit requests...Nice People know that if they are just good enough, others will automatically know what they want and give it to them...Nice People are usually "rescuers" ...We rescue somebody each time we withhold or distort our true feelings, not wanting to hurt or anger the other person. We do the same thing when we go along with something that we really do not want to do...Nice People save up little grievances each time they play rescuer because they rarely let themselves say "no" when they want to. As a result, they are chronically angry....

In sex, as elsewhere, it is impossible for a person authentically to say yes to anything unless he/she simultaneously feels complete freedom to say no.

-- Jack Morin